- Another blog search engine will release a list of top 100 bloggers. Every blogger on the list will blog the news in the form of: “Wow, I’m honored to have made it onto the top 100 list” with a link back to the list maintainer’s blog. The list maintainer will in return blog: “I’m honored to see that the list has been covered by such a high-profile blogger” with a link back to the winner’s blog. The link incest will continue for weeks until it has propelled the list maintainer himself into the top 100, at which point the list will be declared a sham and the blogosphere will erupt in outrage.
- The RIAA will be granted its long-awaited patent on the concept of suing your own customers and promptly sue the MPAA for violating it. Buoyed by this success, the RIAA announces its intentions to patent the act of granting patents and threatens to “sue the patent office out of existence” if it is granted.
- Citing a tip in a confidential e-mail dossier entitled “Fwd: Lol guyz check this out!1″, Rupert Murdoch will acquire acclaimed Internet inventor Al Gore.
-
AOL, after months of extensive market research on the effects of the walled garden model on the distribution and consumption of interactive media, will rotate its logo by another 90 degrees. Chairman Dick Parsons will boast that the new logo “reflects the new direction of our company,” but founder Steve Case will make an impassioned plea in the New York Times to break up the logo into a circle and three triangles.
- Although 37 venture capital firms will invest in AOL following the announcement, the blogosphere will scoff that AOL is “only for people who know nothing about the Internet.” Rupert Murdoch will thus acquire the company immediately, then merge it with his other recent acquisition to create online powerhouse AOL Gore.
- Yahoo, acclerating its bid to dominate the social space, will announce that it is buying the actual societies of 32 cash-strapped governments. Citizens will be allowed to link their existing names to their Yahoo accounts.
- Pursuant to its recent deal with AOL Gore, Google’s famed “onebox” feature will become a lockbox and every third search result will be replaced by an ad for Gore in ‘08. After a lukewarm response from the blogosphere, an indignant Google blog post will assert that the deal is completely in line with Google’s principles, noting that “Gore is a Democrat; democracy means freedom; freedom is a cornerstone of Google; and….look, draggable maps!”
- In retaliation for Gore’s bold foray onto the Internet, George W. Bush will be the latest to come under fire for editing his own Wikipedia biography. Although Wikipedia will have implemented the most sophisticated algorithms to deter this kind of behavior, Bush will be caught because he will change all instances of “George” to “I”.
- 900,000 more websites will add RSS feeds. Bloggers will cover all of them. One of the sites will be the blog of an obscure profession, such as shoe cobbling. This will be groundbreaking news, because now shoe cobblees will be able to participate in a Conversation with their shoe cobbler. Thirty-seven VC firms will invest in the cobbler.
- Due to a glitch in Windows Vista, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will mix up his notes at PDC ‘06 and declare: “Developers, developers, developers….We’re going to f*%ing bury those guys!” Nineteen will leave on stretchers with furniture-related injuries.
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December 26, 2005
91 Responses to “Ten predictions for the new year”
Leave a Reply
December 26th, 2005 at 12:16 pm
Man, you’re funny :-P
December 26th, 2005 at 12:32 pm
That was hilarious and very creative. I think I’ve said it before, but you have a true talent in writing and should become a book author. Whatever the topic, your books would rock. Happy New Year!
December 26th, 2005 at 1:38 pm
Dissing Al Gore, eh? You a Republican?
December 26th, 2005 at 1:57 pm
No, you must have stopped reading at Gore. I’m an equal opportunity disser.
December 26th, 2005 at 3:06 pm
Ha ha, someone missed their nap. Your funny when your pissed.
December 26th, 2005 at 4:01 pm
You missed an important one — when all of the douchebags on myspace.com and livejournal.com get together and decide to drink killer kool-aid at a massive loser-a-thon, resulting in the largest Darwinist cleansing of the gene pool in decades.
December 26th, 2005 at 5:21 pm
Haha!
December 26th, 2005 at 6:14 pm
In case you didn’t know Blake Gore never claimed to have invented the internet or anything of the sort. Shoulda just made fun of Bush for claiming that.
December 26th, 2005 at 6:16 pm
-Blake Ross will continue development on a cutting edge product that will change the face of everything forever. This product will be the talk of the blogosphere, will gain 20% market share, and will be on the cover of Time Magazine by the end of year. The product’s initial release is planned for Q3 2010.
December 26th, 2005 at 6:18 pm
Berger,
Where does the post accuse Gore of claiming that?
–Blake
December 26th, 2005 at 9:35 pm
Hey why don’t you join these guys over here…
Blake, when’s your book coming out? Can I get a signed copy? I’ll pay for the shipping… Man, you seriously need to write that book. And I seriously need to read it!!
December 27th, 2005 at 6:53 am
Brilliant, love number 8!
December 27th, 2005 at 10:05 am
The last one is the most funny one ;)
December 27th, 2005 at 12:02 pm
hahahaha, delirant… and funny ;)
i really liked the yahoo! binding names joke!
December 27th, 2005 at 12:08 pm
Oh no, the Al Gore fanclub is upset. And people think conservatives are humorless bores…
Nice list, but for some reason computer geek humor always makes me a little noxious, even though I’m quite definitely a computer geek.
December 27th, 2005 at 6:16 pm
Why is shoe cobbling an obscure profession?
Here in South East Asia, shoe cobblers are found eveywhere on the streets.
It has saved many people from embarassing shoe strap breakages.
December 27th, 2005 at 6:37 pm
Brilliant! I’m linking this from my blog :)
December 28th, 2005 at 7:47 am
Very nice. Number 1 is definitely my favorite.
December 28th, 2005 at 8:06 am
Shit, I almost fell off my chair laughing!
December 28th, 2005 at 11:45 am
love the last one…
December 28th, 2005 at 1:52 pm
Ah, this made my day. Look draggable maps!
December 28th, 2005 at 3:15 pm
Very nice. WE will have to wait and see.
December 28th, 2005 at 3:31 pm
Wow that was funny.
*sarcastic sigh*
December 28th, 2005 at 3:44 pm
After months of litigation Jack Thompson decides to actully play Grand Theft Auto, coming to the realization that he IS a complete idiot for thinking that games cause violence. Two mothes later he checks into rehab for video game addiction.
December 28th, 2005 at 4:06 pm
Wow, you are really talented. Some of the best writing I’ve read in a while.
December 28th, 2005 at 4:08 pm
Great predictions. Some might be a hit and a miss, but the rest we’ll just have to wait to see about.
December 28th, 2005 at 4:32 pm
Microsoft will buy Firefox…
December 28th, 2005 at 4:34 pm
Don’t normally comment on blogs but that was fantastic. Very funny indeed.
December 28th, 2005 at 4:36 pm
Joel sez: Nice list, but for some reason computer geek humor always makes me a little noxious, even though I’m quite definitely a computer geek.
Joel, trust me on this: you are always noxious. But you’re definately a typical geek who can’t spell, which means I win, you loose.
December 28th, 2005 at 4:39 pm
That was good time for all right there.
December 28th, 2005 at 4:42 pm
Thanks for the laugh.
December 28th, 2005 at 4:46 pm
@carrie
You Canadian, eh?
December 28th, 2005 at 4:55 pm
don’t diss alG. too much, he might just take his net home with him
December 28th, 2005 at 5:04 pm
You forgot: RSS, XML, AJAX, blogging, “Web 2.0″, and podcasting will all converge into an infinite stream of garbage. Oh wait, we already have an Internet.
December 28th, 2005 at 5:12 pm
That’s hilarious. nice one :)
December 28th, 2005 at 5:12 pm
Great stuff, Blake. Also, drunkennewfiemidget… we can only hope. Personally, I’d love to see a massive cult of myspace/livejournal ritual suicide over kool-aid and crappy music.
December 28th, 2005 at 6:17 pm
Wow, I don’t think I can top that. I laughed uncontrollably.
December 28th, 2005 at 6:19 pm
OMG I CAME ON MY FACE
December 28th, 2005 at 6:35 pm
Al Gore ‘created’ the internet by stealing the code from George Bush and claiming it for his own. Gore was also the one who clued in the kid who told Neo that there wasn’t really a spoon. The truth is out there…
December 28th, 2005 at 6:38 pm
That’s quite clever and funny. I’m glad to see you are an an equal opportunity disser… almost as much as I am glad to see you are *not* a flaming liberal.
December 28th, 2005 at 6:42 pm
This is super great. I am adding you to my top 100 blogs list.
December 28th, 2005 at 7:25 pm
must. stop. laughing.
December 28th, 2005 at 7:41 pm
LOL good read, really funny as well :P
enjoy :)
December 28th, 2005 at 7:47 pm
Great stuff. Best “Predictions” I have read so far.
Thanks!
December 28th, 2005 at 8:20 pm
The joke about Al Gore being the inventor of the internet came from a mistake he said in a speak he was giving. What he ment to say was that he helped create the internet privacy act (or atleast I think thats what its called), but what came out was “I created the Internet”. The joke about that has gone around so much, people say it without knowing where it came from.
December 28th, 2005 at 9:25 pm
lol
December 28th, 2005 at 10:46 pm
Your funny man, you gotta watch your accuracy though.
Still, If Bush ever gets caught without Rove’s hand up his ass he’ll get mistaken for looking just like the President.
December 28th, 2005 at 11:17 pm
Fenomenal :)
December 28th, 2005 at 11:21 pm
From the interview…
“During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.”
– alGore.
December 28th, 2005 at 11:22 pm
Tsk:
That is incorrect. Very funny that you would attempt to ccriticize and correct ignorance with an ignorant notion. Come to think of it, that’s human endevour in a nutshell.
December 29th, 2005 at 12:20 am
Good God. Funny stuff. Thanks for the laugh.
December 29th, 2005 at 2:08 am
Hilarious!
December 29th, 2005 at 4:40 am
very funny stuff !!
December 29th, 2005 at 6:36 am
Great article !
December 29th, 2005 at 6:43 am
This was very very amusing. I especially like the “look, draggable maps” bit! Great stuff.
December 29th, 2005 at 7:14 am
Hilarious! Good stuff man!
December 29th, 2005 at 7:52 am
I hope your predictions come true, would be quite an interesting series of events. Especially the injuries to the developers developers developers… and all of the “George”s being changed to “I”.
December 29th, 2005 at 8:32 am
Why so many Bush bashers here. If you’ve been infected with liberalism there are well known and inexpensive treatments available. Get healthy and lighten up!
December 29th, 2005 at 8:37 am
Gore sponsored the 1988 National High-Performance Computer Act which connected universities and libraries via a shared network and he cosponsored the Information Infrastructure and Technology Act of 1992 which opened the Internet to commercial traffic.
These laws were passed before most people had ever heard of the internet and they definetely helped ‘create’ the internet as we know it today (notice that Gore never used the word ‘invented’).
Vint Cerf, who invented the World Wide Web, defended Gore here: http://web.archive.org/web/20000125065813/http://www.mids.org/mn/904/vcerf.html
By the way, to all those ‘conservatives’ that hate the government so much, the internet would not exist if it hadn’t been for the government. All we would have would be fancy corporate bulletin boards like Compuserve, Prodigy and AOL used to be.
December 29th, 2005 at 9:10 am
Man, that’s not nice! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep a straight face while reading this at work?
December 29th, 2005 at 9:32 am
Jon sez: “who the hell is Blake Ross ?”
He claims to have invented the browser. :-)
December 29th, 2005 at 9:57 am
Loving it. Great read. Definately publish a book lol.
December 29th, 2005 at 10:09 am
Wow, thats some funny shit!
December 29th, 2005 at 10:58 am
hillarious!
December 29th, 2005 at 11:13 am
Robert Kahn and Vinton Cerf:
“But as the two people who designed the basic architecture and the core protocols that make the Internet work, we would like to acknowledge VP Gore’s contributions as a Congressman, Senator and as Vice President. No other elected official, to
our knowledge, has made a greater contribution over a longer period of time.”
You can find that quote and much more, here, among other places: http://www.interesting-people.org/archives/interesting-people/200009/msg00052.html .
December 29th, 2005 at 11:23 am
I must concur with those praising your writing, Blake. It sings with wit and flows with a thoughfully-drawn, pleasing rhythm.
Perhaps I should add that these qualities were further magnified by my having just arrived here from Digg, where people seem content to type without even looking at the screen. :)
Either way, your blog is my latest RSS subscription!
December 29th, 2005 at 12:50 pm
I like how everything is a joke to you, I hate blogs too :P
December 29th, 2005 at 2:37 pm
Haha, Blake that was amazing! It made my day. :)
December 29th, 2005 at 3:41 pm
Thanks man, funny.
December 29th, 2005 at 9:56 pm
Um, guys..this is sarcasm! Replace the word Gore with Franken or Pacino or any other Al that floats your boat.
It’s no wonder the US government is in the state it’s in…people can’t even post political jokes without offending someone. Sheesh!
BTW…it’s not like he said he contributed, he said he “invented” the internet is what gets people’s dander up.
December 30th, 2005 at 3:19 am
Really hilarious and cool big blake. Can’t wait for the rss feeds!!
December 30th, 2005 at 10:39 am
I love your blog–it is truly enjoyable. I loved this list, in particular, even though I didn’t get all the references (it’s okay, you know, I’m not even pretending to be hip ‘n’ stuff anymore).
I have a question for you, maybe you’ve blogged about this somewhere already–how does it feel to have every blog post you do make the news? Does it annoy you? Just curious.
Love your work! I’m a Blake Ross fangirl!
December 30th, 2005 at 7:12 pm
Hilarious! Really like the political humor, and the dissing Google’s add principles. Although I doubt Bush is computer-literate enough to figure out how to edit a wiki, or that he even knows what wikipedia is.
I’m officialy a Blake Ross fan.
December 30th, 2005 at 11:16 pm
We love it and cant wait to have our chance to meow at an actual shoe cobbler!
December 31st, 2005 at 7:57 am
Email Battles has been watching you… as if you could be missed. In Browser Wars: Network Managers Flee IE, we tag the sea-change in browser-use that’s underway at our admin-oriented site.
In Microsoft Employees Rage As Internet Explorer Ship Sinks, we capture on-the-record comments by Redmond wageslaves. The ham-handed handling of Windows’ graphics rendering engine has simply thrown gas on the fire.
We’re predicting 2006 will be the Year of the Fox.
…but that’s real, not funny… OKOKOK… The Year Al Gore Invents Firefox!
You’re on the road, baby… Heck. You’re not on it. You’re building it.
January 1st, 2006 at 1:06 pm
Very brave, but is anyone willing to post predictions from last year?
January 1st, 2006 at 11:24 pm
Wow, I actually made it to comment 79, not nearly as entertaining as the predictions.
January 2nd, 2006 at 10:49 am
@S Sturdevant. Last year, Email Battles didn’t even break out Firefox in our web stats. Just twelve months later, nearly 40% of our readers (mostly SMB network managers) are using it. Readers using Internet Explorer dropped from 76% to 52%.
SMB admins often call the shots for all their users. We’re hearing that they like the Firefox interface, extensions and security.
Nevertheless, the game is IE’s to lose. Microsoft’s Perfect Storm:Firefox has momentum with geeks and network managers;Vendors including Dell and HP are shipping computers with IE-alternatives;Trust busters are salivating for a Microsoft-Netscape redux;Free Internet Explorer isn’t much of a profit center;Binding IE to the Windows OS creates untenable security risks for both.When you consider the downsides along with the paucity of upsides, Redmond may simply quit the field. Stranger things have happened.
January 13th, 2006 at 5:03 am
The one on George Bush and AOL were great. It kick-started up my morning
January 13th, 2006 at 10:02 am
The lockbox. SNL, perhaps? Reminding us that, like Firefox, comedy is open-source? :P
Yahoo! definitely needs some innovation, though. I think Britain and Rome already covered the “owning half the world” thing.
January 16th, 2006 at 1:18 am
I enjoyed reading all the predictions. I think the first one is amazing.
February 5th, 2006 at 6:14 pm
The Al Gore potshots are so Windows 95. Zzzzzzz.
February 7th, 2006 at 12:58 pm
First time to your site…one of the funniest damn things that I have read in a long time.
February 19th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Why didn’t you make one of your news years resolutions “update my blog on a regular basis”?
February 23rd, 2006 at 3:32 pm
bush’s duty will not exist in 2007. :D n
February 24th, 2006 at 9:47 pm
I don’t believe much in predictions because
the failure rate is very high, but read yours
were funny.
Regards
———————————–
Andres Berger
Managing Director | BeTheFinest.Com
Now You Can Browse The Net With Safety
http://www.BeTheFinest.com/firefox
———————————–
February 25th, 2006 at 9:50 am
I’ve followed Ben and Asa’s blog forever, but somehow today out of the blue I decided to visit you. One of many, of course. And now suddenly you’re on my Bloglines subscription, right next to the other two gentlemen I mentioned. Great writing, Dude! (who knows, you may even show Tony Pierce a thing or two…)
September 1st, 2006 at 4:50 pm
I love the Bush one, very funny!:)
Peace
November 30th, 2006 at 7:24 pm
This Should Be A Comedy Act.
You Should have a Bio.
January 4th, 2007 at 11:00 am
I’m predicting that the phenomenon I humbly created and call “blog n roll” will take off in 2007, in a way that it failed to in 2006. It basically involves generating blog posts and comments accompanied by original one-song “soundtracks” corresponding to the underlying theme of the blog post or blog comments.
On a larger scale, I believe that 2007 will be a great year for internet-based multi-media artists. The blogosphere will eventually become the new Nashville, the new LA, and the new New York for new artists I call “blog n roll” artists.
January 4th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Oops, I forgot to include the one-song “soundtrack” to the comment posted above. Here it is, for your listening pleasure:
Future to Behold
Dr. BLT
words and music by Dr. BLT (c) 2006
http://www.drblt.net/music/future3.mp3